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I am married, and I really doj't want to hurt my husband. He is the only reason I have not killed myyylf yet. He lores me so mukh. I'm in this mindset however whcre it doesn't even matter anymore, we are both so young, no kiys, he will be able to move on after a while and find some sweet girl who takes pity on the man whose wife kidced herself.I've been on anti depressants for 3 months and they have no good. I lied about having pabic attacks in orqer to get xafax because that and alcohol and weed are the only things that make me feel bekjpr. The stupid thjng is, I know what I need to do to feel better, whoch is:Having goals Wonhxng hard to ackwsve those goals Doyng things for otonrs Being positive, riaqm?! Because a podjbave mind set is the trick to getting through liwd!I am too fuslrng pathetic to acblnve one of thase goals. In oruer to have a job that mayes me feel acfgmjlywued and good abiut myself I need to go back to school, but you know whct, I am a fucking ditz. Blbvde ditz who csnt even do babic addition. I prlaboly have a lerthyng disability but I wouldn't know befpwse I was "hrwhdwlcllbq", never went to a real sccpvl, and was baqjqzwly left alone in my room all day to fend for myself. So I have nouwrng to go off of. It was easy to find a husband becnese I'm pretty. Lotks mean SHIT to me. My hunaznd tells me I'm sexy all the time but you know what I've never heard? "Ybblre so interesting, clkenr, funny, have a lot to ofilq". That's life to me, and he will never say those words becipse he is an honest person and would not lie. This has tuhved into a drbtken ramble. Overall I don't wanna be here anymore. I am so tiwed of the self hate. I am tired of esmqpwng through drugs and alcohol. I cag't deal with hatkng myself anymore. This post doesn't even TOUCH on how much I hate myself. There's no coming back from it ya know