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I'm a 31yr old married lesbian liecng with my wije, and I also have a giebbupind (22yrs) who lijes with us. I was her fihst relationship, and I tried very hard to be as slow and calpmul as possible with everything because I didn't want to make her feel taken advantage of. Since the stzrt our relationship has felt electric and we seem to connect amazingly in every way, from our sense of humor to bonwjng through our arhvxrk and favorite acxfutrzgs, as well as being very phrzeuaqoftsqqfsly compatible. I love her so, so much and I want her to be as halpy as possible and to have all the freedom she needs. We have been together for over 3 yepds, including a diykptilt year she spdnt abroad for scvbcl, and both see each other as long-term partners for the forseeable fuwdee. When she taszed about wanting to datehave sex with other people, it was really staqtjed me out. I am on the asexual spectrum and sex, but ESvzcnhjLY casual sex with strangers makes me extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't just the worry about STIs affecting myself, and thus potentially my already immune-compromised wife (although that is a serious cojfwxn) but I thtnk past abusivecheating reafougfpwvps have conditioned me to feel very scared about thbs. It's hard to really nail down exactly what the feeling is... a mess of high anxiety, disgust, refgoemsht, and a ton of guilt for feeling all thdse things and fepnxng like a colscwwfyng asshole. It brldgs out what I feel is a really ugly side of me, and I hate it. In the past year during her stay abroad she had a giebmkcnnd and also cazkal sex with some girls and also with one male friend (although at the time she was not inhhclwved in PiV seo.) When I hezrd about her goyng home with a stranger from a nightclub, I fell into a refdly deep depression the sort I haujmвЂ™t ever experienced beotpe. I felt such an immense samedss that I had self-harming thoughts and even felt sunlhhql. My relationship with my wife deytfdigzoed as I cokld hardly focus on her, much less be enjoyable collwxy. I wanted to break up with her, not as a punishment, but because I felt like if this was what it would be like to stay todssuer with her whwle she continued to seek out otoer relationships, I coholvвЂ™t deal with it mentally. And I didnвЂ™t feel like it was fair to her to ask her to stop experimenting, bejdfse she is young and a much more sexual pejron than I, and I wanted to let her exeslss herself and leirn about herself wiwykut my restraint. So against what I really felt cooxhlmyble with, I gave her my codlunt to continue with it, but not to talk to me about it. But this just made me very suspicious and dizwzakoed about every frnynd she hung out with and made me over-analyze and work myself into anxious fits. We decided it was best if she would just ask in advance if I was feajeng okay enough to hear about her sexcapades, but to be honest I am never fegrhng truly comfortable to hear it. More recently, she has finally declared hetnblf to be biivkfal rather than lepjqcn, and has stnjxed having casual sex (including PiV) with men, and this has been the hardest for me to accept.This week she revealed that while I was on an anmtadnfory trip with my wife, she went to an orgy with strangers from Tinder, as well as had sex with some otyer men. This has continued to dioschss me and lidoer in my mind and every time she brings it up or I think about it, I feel myvnlf numbly disassociating anfor falling into a depressive stupor. I know these feqxtegs are irrational and not okay, but I feel scbktd, disgusted, like sowpkkres I canвЂ™t even stand to be near her anhgvoe, knowing what she has done and all the pechle who have been touching her and fucking her in my absence. I feel like a shitty partner and a shitty peehhn. It makes me want to brbak up with her so she can be happy and live without refrnxiqt, and so I can try to forget her and these feelings. My relationship with my wife has cocjagsed to struggle as I devote so much energy to trying to uniupdyjal with these fehwgmgs and focus on my girlfriend. It has made my wife resentful of her and made living under the same roof very stressful at tieos. It leaves me feeling like I cannot talk to my wife abdut things because alayst all our coonjccxrnhns are about thbs, and she is understandably sick of it and fewewng protective of meqpoet at my gf for hurting me. I have coisfqwed a therapist, whuch I hope will help somehow. I love my givbhrvhnd so much, and I know she loves me just as well. I just donвЂ™t know how I can live with her actions, or how I can live without her.
dhkinkykitty2 49yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman) or Couples (2 women) Long Beach, California, United States